Gradeschool Crush

I remember being IN LOVE with the lyrical stylings of Chicago when I was in 4th and 5th grade. Don't ask me why, because today I can't recollect what it was about Chicago. All I do remember is a very specific feeling. A feeling that has been bonded to my memory. No love songs have moved in me so deeply since I was in grade school, that is, until I started listening to Iron and Wine. This song, "Naked As We Came," nearly brings me to tears every time I listen to it. I find the tune (and concept) to be the most romantic song I have ever heard. There's a certain something about Iron and Wine that brings back that particular feeling. And I am indeed IN LOVE with all of Iron and Wines lyrics, but don't ask me why, because I couldn't tell you. Now, to share a little part of my heart:

"Naked As We Came"

She says "wake up, it's no use pretending"
I'll keep stealing, breathing her.
Birds are leaving over autumn's ending
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes 'round the yard

She says "If I leave before you, darling
Don't you waste me in the ground"
I lay smiling like our sleeping children
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes round the yard

Everyday Boredom

It’s not that I’m un-happy; I just struggle with this sort of sadness everyday. I don’t know how else to describe it other than nothingness. It does not keep me in bed all day. There are many things and people that make me smile and mean it. I have a strong desire to live. There are many joyous moments throughout each day. I know for certain it’s not God shaped nothingness. I am spiritual and still believe and practice many of my Christian upbringings (I just don’t really go to church anymore). Some days I wake up and wonder what I’m doing with my life. I look in the mirror almost every morning and don’t recognize this young woman staring back. Some days I feel as if my life is wasting away, floating in front of me and just out of reach.

So I stop to think about where my life is at. I have dropped out of school for the umpteenth time. I thought it seemed like the right thing to do at the moment, but once I started, it felt horrible. All I could see in ten years was me sitting behind a desk filing out paper work for a faceless, nameless client. I have no apologies for not sticking with the traditional student life. On that same note though, I have put pastry school to use. So in that aspect it school has not been a complete waste of time. Currently I am working my way up the food chain in the bakery. The plan is to start managing in the fall and ultimately take over at the end of next year. There are days my boss frustrates me, but other than that I do love the work itself. That to me seems like a big step forward in the larger view of career life. One thing I know for certain is that I can not; I will not hold still and need to be in a place with movement. When I think of these things and these things only, I realize that unrecognizable person in the mirror really is me. Looking back on high school and “what I want to be when I grow up,” I see that I am indeed doing exactly the things I wanted to do with my life. It’s just taken me a minute to figure out where to go and how to get there. As I continue to work, I pray for strength and patience as I know my life is not floating away. There is nothing to catch, just steps to keep climbing. Even though I struggle, I gladly struggle. Oh, and that nothingness I spoke of, well I have determined its boredom. Getting up and starting my day almost always fixes it.

My friend wrote this in her blog a few weeks ago:

"The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life’s plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life".
~Robert Louis Stevenson

I have heard similar words, but never written in such perfection. I find it speaks to my heart and speaks truth in my life. I have it taped to my fridge as a daily reminder of how bitter-sweet life is, and how lucky I am to be living it. I am happy to see tulips every where I walk. I am happy to work with my hands, and happy to focus on today.

And So It Begins...

3/28/2009

And So It Begins….

About a year ago when twitter boomed, the Sunday edition of The Today Show did a segment on blogging, status updates, twitter etc… The main point of the story was that people, particularly teens, are not processing emotions in a healthy way. That having the ability to instantly tell everyone your every thought and emotion in the moment it occurs is not necessarily a positive thing. When we don’t take the time to think about or process our feelings, if even for just one minute, we never actually deal with or accept and take ownership of these strong emotions. Being a youth leader of high school students at the time I noticed that maybe this was somewhat true; noticing that these teens didn’t know how to handle strong feelings without having an outburst (much like a toddler). Now, who’s to say this is because of online networking? Perhaps it is poor parenting, perhaps there are too many soap- opera -like television shows, maybe being ‘Emo’ has become so much more than a fashion trend. Or could it be that maybe, just maybe that’s the way teens are? Teens after all are just larger children trying to learn and process and figure out whom they are. I’m almost officially in my mid-twenties, and I am still trying to do the same thing. In fact, I think being twenty is harder than being 16. You never really stop trying to find your way, and figure out “who am I?” We change constantly; we deal with strong emotions and the hard facts of life every single day. Maybe these so called social networks are just a new way to deal. Because of this, and many other forms of media, society has morphed into something completely different from what it was. Nearly nothing is taboo anymore. And, is that such a bad thing? I feel neither here nor there about it, but I have noticed that people tend to sweep dirty little secrets under the rug a lot less. When our downfalls are more acceptable, I think it’s easier to admit to them. Who knows really! I am getting a little off subject. As my mother says, my generation is far lazier, more immature, and less responsible than hers. Now I sit here thinking the same thing about the generation behind me. I think that’s just what you say when you start to mature ( get old) and you forget what it’s like to be that age and how hard it is to pave your path.

With all that said, I am here doing my best to process everything; to deal with life and the path I am paving, one brick at a time. I think bricks are a lot nicer looking than pavement, and when have I ever chosen to do things the easy way? So I sit here thinking about who I am, where I am, and what I want this blog to be about if anything specific. Today I feel that there are a lot, I mean A LOT of good things in life and happy-little-moments that I over look. I have always struggled with being bogged down by the few nasty-little-moments in life and often fail to be uplifted by the abundance of good. As of now I don’t want this to be about my trip to the mall, my bad day at work, or the fight Jeromy and I did or did not get into (and no, for the record we are not fighting that was just an example). What I would like to share here is the good things that happen every day. It could be a new recipe, a lame joke, a fun night with my friends, a prayer, or anything else that is positive. And should it be a bad day to find the silver lining. I had been trying to document these moments in a written journal. It’s not going so well, but with the ability to not process my emotions thanks to the internet, I can sit here and type, and share with you all the things I am supposedly choosing not to deal with. More so though, I believe that when you share your feelings, you feel better. And when someone else knows what’s up, you are held more accountable. Maybe I should do this over a cup of coffee with my best pals. Honestly though, that’s not going to happen on a weekly basis considering they are mostly out of state. This is the best way to share when you can’t make face time. Maybe I should just admit to the truth that Jen wanted to read a new blog and I thought “why the hell not,” and am now just trying to justify creating a blog ;) So here goes something, maybe nothing, I am jumping on the blogging bandwagon.