It’s not that I’m un-happy; I just struggle with this sort of sadness everyday. I don’t know how else to describe it other than nothingness. It does not keep me in bed all day. There are many things and people that make me smile and mean it. I have a strong desire to live. There are many joyous moments throughout each day. I know for certain it’s not God shaped nothingness. I am spiritual and still believe and practice many of my Christian upbringings (I just don’t really go to church anymore). Some days I wake up and wonder what I’m doing with my life. I look in the mirror almost every morning and don’t recognize this young woman staring back. Some days I feel as if my life is wasting away, floating in front of me and just out of reach.
So I stop to think about where my life is at. I have dropped out of school for the umpteenth time. I thought it seemed like the right thing to do at the moment, but once I started, it felt horrible. All I could see in ten years was me sitting behind a desk filing out paper work for a faceless, nameless client. I have no apologies for not sticking with the traditional student life. On that same note though, I have put pastry school to use. So in that aspect it school has not been a complete waste of time. Currently I am working my way up the food chain in the bakery. The plan is to start managing in the fall and ultimately take over at the end of next year. There are days my boss frustrates me, but other than that I do love the work itself. That to me seems like a big step forward in the larger view of career life. One thing I know for certain is that I can not; I will not hold still and need to be in a place with movement. When I think of these things and these things only, I realize that unrecognizable person in the mirror really is me. Looking back on high school and “what I want to be when I grow up,” I see that I am indeed doing exactly the things I wanted to do with my life. It’s just taken me a minute to figure out where to go and how to get there. As I continue to work, I pray for strength and patience as I know my life is not floating away. There is nothing to catch, just steps to keep climbing. Even though I struggle, I gladly struggle. Oh, and that nothingness I spoke of, well I have determined its boredom. Getting up and starting my day almost always fixes it.
My friend wrote this in her blog a few weeks ago:
"The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life’s plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life".
~Robert Louis Stevenson
I have heard similar words, but never written in such perfection. I find it speaks to my heart and speaks truth in my life. I have it taped to my fridge as a daily reminder of how bitter-sweet life is, and how lucky I am to be living it. I am happy to see tulips every where I walk. I am happy to work with my hands, and happy to focus on today.
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Hang in there. I feel sad that you feel that you'd be filling out paperwork for faceless, nameless client. You could really do a lot of good for someone. You have the special quality to help people. But you have to follow your heart. I hope you keep moving up in the bakery becaue I know food is your passion. I hope things start looking brighter for you :)
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